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People are really forgiving these days.
I mean there was a time not to long ago (In a galaxy far, far away) that I could go to a nerdy comic store or event, then loudly shout “STAR WARS” and I could make everyone piss themselves with laughter. Star Wars to me is kind of like the Sonic the Hedgehog of the cinema world, in that he had 3 amazing movies and when he entered modern times is where people got divided…. As well as some really questionable tie marketing bullshit, doomed to a future of being bought out by a soulless corporate entity with lot’s of cash.
While my natural instinct is to slowly wave my hand and say “But there were no Star Wars prequels” whenever some bellend utters -THE TRILOGY THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED- in my presence, let’s quickly address that shall we? Star Wars 1-3 was a poor attempt at explaining events Star Wars 4-6 already told us. The beauty of the human mind is the ability to IMAGINE or INTERPRET events, so if I said to you all “Spider-Man’s parents are most likely dead or are agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” then we don’t need a movie trying to explain something that complicated.
But they tried anyway and fuck you very much for that by the way Sony.
So now that I see everyone slapping their flippers together like trained circus seals at Star Wars 7 (just a month away at time of writing) I have to quickly remind them all that Star Wars should NOT be exempt from utter pigshit that is The Force Unleashed.
Set in between 3 non existent movies and the first Star Wars movie, Darth Vader comes across a young lad who he decides to make his apprentice. Not entirely sure that’s how the rules work Vader, I mean aren’t you still technically Palpatine’s little rent boy? Or is that a Jedi thing and the Sith just go “SCREW THE RULES, I HAVE FORCE LIGHTNING!!!!”
Now playing as a Sith is the kind of Star Wars game I can get behind, for I’ve never liked Jedi’s all that much. A group of neck beards sitting around in their pyjamas all day, stroking said neck beards proclaiming utter tripe as “I sense a disturbance in the force” while the Sith go out and murder children and run successful businesses.
Basically being a Sith Lord is like being Donald Trump, without all that racism and wall building contracts.
STARKILLER, possibly the only normal sounding name in the entire franchises history, becomes Vader’s secret little apprentice and is sent out on missions to murder all those pesky neck beards I loathe so much. Yet Vader’s endgame is to have his apprentice kill the emperor. Which is a pretty stupid plan, since Palatine is ALSO trained in the force can feel his presence, so training a kid in the way of the Force is basically akin to waving him in the emperor’s face screaming “LOOKIE WHAT I GOT!”
Stupid story aside, I only got into mission two before the game decided “FUCK YOU!!!”
I entered a large environment where half the textures didn’t fucking load. Running around on thin air and then fighting inside an invisible spaceship made the experience more hilarious that it should have been. Then again, that’s exactly the kind of broken bullshit Lucas Art were known for, other than George Lucas trying to “write” stories.
My patience gave out when I suddenly clipped through the fall and spent 10 minutes staring at a loading screen. So that was all I managed with The Force Repressed. Maybe my copy was buggy, maybe it needed a patch or maybe the people who made it were absolute wankers.
Speaking of wankerish (not a word but dammit it is now) behaviour, can Quick-Time-Events just go the fuck away already? Having a boss fight with a neck beard that concludes in QTEs this bad is the fastest way of getting on my shit list. Even missing said button prompt takes you back to the beginning of this QTE section, rather than the boss getting back to his feet to fight back. “Oh yes young man, feel free to have infinite tries with this, it’s not like you’re TRYING TO KILL ME or anything!”
Beyond that, it's an ugly buggy mess that deserves all the ridicule it deserves. The characters all move like Captain Scarlet puppets, the voice work is all over the place, the game failed to load graphics and just died in a loading screen.
The only highlight was playing as Darth Vader right at the start. Slaughtering Wookies, launching Adobe After-effects Hadokens at everyone and destroying trees was very satisfying. Yet STARKILLER himself was like playing a very badly made version of Metal Gear Rising, if Raiden had stiff joints, little aiming with the sword and was kinda shit.
Debate away in the comments on who’d win in a sword fight.
Raiden or STARKILLER.
What would have saved the experience for me was a game souly about Darth Vader. Not this STARKILLER (Yes it has to spelled in all caps apparently) with his Zoo magazine cover girl for a pilot love interest and comedy robot sidekick. In fact, refine the Vader gameplay, give the rights to Platinum so they can make Star Wars Rising: Vader’s Revengence. Now THAT’S the game I’d play without a fuss. But alas, Star Wars is now in the “capable” hands of EA and the real life evil empire that is Walt Disney.
Might as well close with that then, why won’t I be watching Star Wars Episode 7?
Because like a lot of old franchises, Star Wars was done, finished, that’s all she wrote etc. It didn’t need anymore films. Luke and his reformed dad killed the Emperor, Luke became a Jedi and the empire folded.
THE END.
To suddenly go “Oh but there was a secret branch of the villains let by a NEW final boss” is the kind of asinine bullshit best reserved for the Digimon franchise. Also, I will not be held responsible for Star Wars ending up like Marvel.
Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.
When the MCU took off like a house on fire, suddenly everyone wanted a piece of the action. To which a group of people (mostly likely shareholders but I suspect Tumblr) had “a few demands”
Suddenly Thor’s a woman, Captain America’s black and their lead writers are claiming their main readers are “misogynists” while redesigning female characters because of non existent sexism. It happened with gaming too, I mean 10 years ago you wouldn’t have Brianna “Boo hoo I don’t a clue” Wu demanding (And I mean demanding) Samus Aran being a transgender or Tumblr wanting a Female Link (until they got one and they all got pissy cus of the hilarious porn it inspired)
Now I maybe just jumping the gun here, but that’s what I tend to fear with these old franchises. Desperately being hacked to pieces to appease shareholders, who feel all that money is with whatever the cool kids are saying/doing these days. Instead of creating something for them, you know like Steven Universe. No we have to dig up old relics and insert elements they never needed, or continuations they don’t require.
Did we need Halo 5? No.
Did we need Terminator 5? No.
Do we need a new Ghostbusters? No.
And personally I feel I don’t need Star Wars 7.
Leaving Marvel in their current “All new, all politically correct and all pandering Marvel Universe” template is the kind of future I fear Star Wars is going to have. I can’t wait for Brianna Wu to begin demanding Boba Fett be turned into a transgender black person, or we have to get rid of Darth Vader’s armour cus it’s “offensive” to whomever.
Now I hear you say “Oh calm down Random, I’m sure nothing like that will happen!”
screencrush.com/slave-leia-ret…
Rumour or not…. This is how it starts people.
I mean there was a time not to long ago (In a galaxy far, far away) that I could go to a nerdy comic store or event, then loudly shout “STAR WARS” and I could make everyone piss themselves with laughter. Star Wars to me is kind of like the Sonic the Hedgehog of the cinema world, in that he had 3 amazing movies and when he entered modern times is where people got divided…. As well as some really questionable tie marketing bullshit, doomed to a future of being bought out by a soulless corporate entity with lot’s of cash.
While my natural instinct is to slowly wave my hand and say “But there were no Star Wars prequels” whenever some bellend utters -THE TRILOGY THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED- in my presence, let’s quickly address that shall we? Star Wars 1-3 was a poor attempt at explaining events Star Wars 4-6 already told us. The beauty of the human mind is the ability to IMAGINE or INTERPRET events, so if I said to you all “Spider-Man’s parents are most likely dead or are agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” then we don’t need a movie trying to explain something that complicated.
But they tried anyway and fuck you very much for that by the way Sony.
So now that I see everyone slapping their flippers together like trained circus seals at Star Wars 7 (just a month away at time of writing) I have to quickly remind them all that Star Wars should NOT be exempt from utter pigshit that is The Force Unleashed.
Set in between 3 non existent movies and the first Star Wars movie, Darth Vader comes across a young lad who he decides to make his apprentice. Not entirely sure that’s how the rules work Vader, I mean aren’t you still technically Palpatine’s little rent boy? Or is that a Jedi thing and the Sith just go “SCREW THE RULES, I HAVE FORCE LIGHTNING!!!!”
Now playing as a Sith is the kind of Star Wars game I can get behind, for I’ve never liked Jedi’s all that much. A group of neck beards sitting around in their pyjamas all day, stroking said neck beards proclaiming utter tripe as “I sense a disturbance in the force” while the Sith go out and murder children and run successful businesses.
Basically being a Sith Lord is like being Donald Trump, without all that racism and wall building contracts.
STARKILLER, possibly the only normal sounding name in the entire franchises history, becomes Vader’s secret little apprentice and is sent out on missions to murder all those pesky neck beards I loathe so much. Yet Vader’s endgame is to have his apprentice kill the emperor. Which is a pretty stupid plan, since Palatine is ALSO trained in the force can feel his presence, so training a kid in the way of the Force is basically akin to waving him in the emperor’s face screaming “LOOKIE WHAT I GOT!”
Stupid story aside, I only got into mission two before the game decided “FUCK YOU!!!”
I entered a large environment where half the textures didn’t fucking load. Running around on thin air and then fighting inside an invisible spaceship made the experience more hilarious that it should have been. Then again, that’s exactly the kind of broken bullshit Lucas Art were known for, other than George Lucas trying to “write” stories.
My patience gave out when I suddenly clipped through the fall and spent 10 minutes staring at a loading screen. So that was all I managed with The Force Repressed. Maybe my copy was buggy, maybe it needed a patch or maybe the people who made it were absolute wankers.
Speaking of wankerish (not a word but dammit it is now) behaviour, can Quick-Time-Events just go the fuck away already? Having a boss fight with a neck beard that concludes in QTEs this bad is the fastest way of getting on my shit list. Even missing said button prompt takes you back to the beginning of this QTE section, rather than the boss getting back to his feet to fight back. “Oh yes young man, feel free to have infinite tries with this, it’s not like you’re TRYING TO KILL ME or anything!”
Beyond that, it's an ugly buggy mess that deserves all the ridicule it deserves. The characters all move like Captain Scarlet puppets, the voice work is all over the place, the game failed to load graphics and just died in a loading screen.
The only highlight was playing as Darth Vader right at the start. Slaughtering Wookies, launching Adobe After-effects Hadokens at everyone and destroying trees was very satisfying. Yet STARKILLER himself was like playing a very badly made version of Metal Gear Rising, if Raiden had stiff joints, little aiming with the sword and was kinda shit.
Debate away in the comments on who’d win in a sword fight.
Raiden or STARKILLER.
What would have saved the experience for me was a game souly about Darth Vader. Not this STARKILLER (Yes it has to spelled in all caps apparently) with his Zoo magazine cover girl for a pilot love interest and comedy robot sidekick. In fact, refine the Vader gameplay, give the rights to Platinum so they can make Star Wars Rising: Vader’s Revengence. Now THAT’S the game I’d play without a fuss. But alas, Star Wars is now in the “capable” hands of EA and the real life evil empire that is Walt Disney.
Might as well close with that then, why won’t I be watching Star Wars Episode 7?
Because like a lot of old franchises, Star Wars was done, finished, that’s all she wrote etc. It didn’t need anymore films. Luke and his reformed dad killed the Emperor, Luke became a Jedi and the empire folded.
THE END.
To suddenly go “Oh but there was a secret branch of the villains let by a NEW final boss” is the kind of asinine bullshit best reserved for the Digimon franchise. Also, I will not be held responsible for Star Wars ending up like Marvel.
Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.
When the MCU took off like a house on fire, suddenly everyone wanted a piece of the action. To which a group of people (mostly likely shareholders but I suspect Tumblr) had “a few demands”
Suddenly Thor’s a woman, Captain America’s black and their lead writers are claiming their main readers are “misogynists” while redesigning female characters because of non existent sexism. It happened with gaming too, I mean 10 years ago you wouldn’t have Brianna “Boo hoo I don’t a clue” Wu demanding (And I mean demanding) Samus Aran being a transgender or Tumblr wanting a Female Link (until they got one and they all got pissy cus of the hilarious porn it inspired)
Now I maybe just jumping the gun here, but that’s what I tend to fear with these old franchises. Desperately being hacked to pieces to appease shareholders, who feel all that money is with whatever the cool kids are saying/doing these days. Instead of creating something for them, you know like Steven Universe. No we have to dig up old relics and insert elements they never needed, or continuations they don’t require.
Did we need Halo 5? No.
Did we need Terminator 5? No.
Do we need a new Ghostbusters? No.
And personally I feel I don’t need Star Wars 7.
Leaving Marvel in their current “All new, all politically correct and all pandering Marvel Universe” template is the kind of future I fear Star Wars is going to have. I can’t wait for Brianna Wu to begin demanding Boba Fett be turned into a transgender black person, or we have to get rid of Darth Vader’s armour cus it’s “offensive” to whomever.
Now I hear you say “Oh calm down Random, I’m sure nothing like that will happen!”
screencrush.com/slave-leia-ret…
Rumour or not…. This is how it starts people.
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This could be a problem lol