403 - New Starfox Game

NINTENDO


StarFox is coming back.

I could just stop there really.

That is practically all I need to say to please everyone and sum up the only complete positive of the conference. Which is amusing because it was an announcement that hit AFTER the whole bloody thing ended. You could have just walked out on stage and said "Hey, you know how you won't stop asking for a new Star Fox game? Well we have one in the works!" Then proceed to watch money fall from the sky. Sadly this isn't a perfect world so let’s discuss the hand we've been delt!


With Wii U sales in the toilet (except with the UK's Mario Kart 8 sales) Nintendo needs to turn around some heads and they do this by opening with....

Robot Chicken?

Okay, unpopular opinion time.

I haven't found Robot Chicken funny in years so relying on this seems like a poor choice Nintendo. Then again it could be worse... You could have had The Simpsons! The sketches seem to be a set up of taking the piss out of their fans and detractors. Of course this being Nintendo, everyone will declare this the best idea ever. But if say Capcom did it they'd be burnt at the steak!

To save some time. I'll just say they're not funny and were entirely pointless. Moving onto the first big announcement.


Mii Confirmed for Smash Bros.
Well, I guess Reggie is now technically in Smash. Sakurai explains he didn't want Mii's in Smash because he didn't know how they'd work or play. So now you can create your own custom Mii's for Smash Bros but as 3 different classes.

Mii BRAWLER

Mii SWORDFIGHTER

Mii GUNNER

I'm guessing some rejected choices were Mii GRIMLOCK and Mii GUSTA

I can see myself creating a Mii Gunner. Cus I love me some guns.


From Smash it segway into the Amibo/Skylander Knockoff reveal.
All 3 companies have done away with Motion Controls and agreed that they kinda sucked. I'm glad we can finally see eye to eye on something. Yet I feel this new toy obsession Skylanders started needs to be shown the door. I get how gamers can be pissed off by DLC but I'm baffled by how they'll Que up for these poxy things?

I know this is not related, but to give that remark some context. I need share a little story.

A couple of weeks ago. Me and my brother headed on over to our local GAME store to replace our buggy 360 controller. I happen to notice the Disney Infinity stuff so I decided to have a look at what all the fuss was about. I think the starter pack for the game (which probably is the game, a few figures etc) was around £90. While individual sets (2 figures in a pack) were between £19 to £34.

So DLC is a raging blasphemy to gamers. Yet this is okay?

I get that it's not stuff locked away on the disc and kids will love them, sure I will grant you that. But it just seems simpler to just unlock characters by, you know, playing the game? With that in mind I don't think I'll be bothering with Nintendolanders anytime soon.


We then cut to a long boring chat about how memorable Nintendo is. Look I told you I was going to reframe from any bias. I called out Sony on their dick stroking so I'm doing it here too!! Yet I will say they kept it brief and got down to the games.


Yoshi's Wooly World.
Probably the lowest moment in the Direct. It really felt lifeless and fucking boring. I'm thrilled the Wii U is getting more games, but what kills my excitement is watching grown men professing their love for knitting wool! Hey I'm in love with my porno collection Nintendo, yet you don't hear me going on about it in a creepily manner! That and I find Yoshi one of Nintendo's least interesting characters anyway.


Captain Toad: Treacher Tracker
So a full game centred on a mini game? Not exactly an awful idea when spin off games sometimes turn out alright!


The Legend of Zelda... goes Sci-Fi??
This one is for you Zelda Fangirls. Does Hyrule have robots and space age arrows? Again, another pre-rendered cutscene that just shows off graphics.


Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire.
It's a remake of Ruby and Sapphire. Not much to be said. Also the MEGA evolutions for Groudon and Kyogre can be easily recreated by simply drawing yellow lines onto a picture in MS.Paint.


Bayonetta 2.
Not a fan so I can't really say anything positive.


Hyrule Warriors.
Play a typical Dynasty Warriors game with Link, Zelda, Impa or Midna. Sounds fun.


Kirby and the Rainbow Curse and Xenoblade Chronicles were shown off.
It's actually refreshing to watch these game reveals without Andrew House (take a drink) jerking himself off as he does it!


Mario Maker.
Now can I draw all the dicks I want in a Mario game.... Fantastic!!


Splatoon.
I wanted Nintendo to make something new. Well wish granted I suppose. I'm not entirely sure what this ment to be. So the basic idea is 2 teams spray a map in paint and the one with the most areas covered wins. See FPS, you CAN do squad shooting with bright colours and not be so damm depressing. The Squid idea is interesting in all honesty and looks fun to play.


Then the Direct ends with the announcement of Palutena for Smash Bros.
The Mii and Palutena announcements are confirming that guys leaked prediction list. I'm expecting Chrom and Pacman sometime before October 3rd. Maybe it's because I haven't played that poorly designed game on 3DS but what is with this quirky banter between her and Pit? Is this like a thing where the Goddess informs her Angel slave by way of casual phone conversation? You know, now that I stop and think about it, it reminds me of that stupid conversation between Hawkeye and Iron Man in the Avengers.

I'm guessing the appearence of Recolour Pit is an alternate costume for Regular Pit. I was hoping for a Pac Man reveal but this is good enough I suppose.


But like I said, the one announcement I know people are truly excited about wasn't even present. It was casually mentioned by Shigeru Miyamoto during the stupidly named "Nintendo Treehouse" event thingy that "Oh btw I'm making a new Star Fox game.... Which will be out when I feel like it!!"

What?

So grow men talking about wool, Nintendolanders and some dumb Robot Chicken sketches mattered more than an announcement that is guarantied to bring in sales and cash?

Nintendo, despite what people say, I don't hate you. I like you a hell of a lot more than Sony and Microsoft. But sometimes I just don't get you.



My Thoughts.
This is a conference Nintendo needed to murder Sony and Microsoft with. Yet ultimately all they did was snap their arms off, break their legs and kicked them in the bollocks. Yes it's another good showing but I'm just baffled by its lack of content. Microsoft and Sony showed off 30+ games where this barely had 10. I know they also have the Smash Bros tournament and the Tree House event but with all 3 of these reactions are based on the main conference. They could probably show a new character during the Smash Bros tournament but I can't include it in this general reaction.

EDIT: Pacman was revealed at a round table event. However I cannot include it in the positives due to the rules I set, but it will be talked about in a seperate rant.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nP3ccM…

However, what they did show off with Zelda, Smash Bros and Splatoon was impressive enough to not be a disaster. That and my only real complaints are a lack of games for 3DS, an over reliance of Smash Bros, fewer games in general and just not the commanding premise like they had last year.

For the conference alone. I am going to have to give it a 5 out of 10..... But if you include all the announcements and the tournament that happened AFTER their Nintendo Direct, I say it's another 7 out of 10.


Well shit, we have a 3 way tie!


Who do you think lost E3? Vote in the comments below!