While this doesn't cover everything I wanted this month, I tried to give nearly everything a mention in the poem.
Russell Brand, would you PLEASE shut the hell up!!?
You know when you're involved in an argument or a conversation that's getting slightly heated. You try to remain neutral or diplomatic towards the situation while listening to the valid points being brought forward, and don't you just hate that one colossal asshat who just has to make everything about themselves?
That is Russell Brand to me. A watered down Alex Jones with more words in his mouth than Gianna Michaels can fit cocks in hers. This male Kerry Kotana just seems to be screaming about anything now in hopes we'll pay attention. In his latest self entitled hissy fit, the "comedian" boldly declared that the government and the people of britian are to blame for Jihad John and people joining the terrorist group ISIS. While I have tried to remain neutral and tolerate this hairy wankstain in the past, this is an accusation that is pure unadulterated bullshit.
Also try telling the family of Lee Rigby that one Russell you utter cunt!
For the record, I have no ill feeling towards Muslims or what they want to believe, but I won't start bordering up the windows and sleeping with a shotgun until ISIS actually become a legitimate threat to the world. Desist with your reactionary scare mongry and go on a spiritual soul searching quest to find a fucking clue you mouthy up his own anus bollockchops!
I'm not sure how you can blame a politician for the deaths of men and women in Iraq, when the people I blame are those who performed the killings. People like this pray upon the weak minded and easily manipulated, it's classic villainy 101 right there. Considering how everyone is on the brink of full retardation thanks to Iphones, X-Factor and throwing common sense out the window I'm surprised they haven't recruited the entire planet yet!
I mean when you look back at the Nazi's (yes I know Godwin's law but hear me out) was it Winston Churchill, Franklin D. Roosevelt or Joesph Stalin's fault for what the Nazis did to the Jews? No it was Adolf Hitler, being the cowardly puppet master that he was, brainwashing the youth of Germany into doing his dirty work.
It's got fuck all to do with David Cameron (Hell just froze over cus I'm defending that twat) and this latest rant of yours is "reason I hate Cameron #5682"
I think that's all Russell cares about. Ranting about how much he hates David Cameron. Hey I don't shy away from mocking that useless twat mackrall but I don't pretend to be an activist while I'm doing it! Yeah about that, how does one go from unfunny drug user hosting Big Brother to Che Guevara exactly?
The Puppet Master.www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoJtfR…
For the record, I was completely indifferent to Tim Schafer. I did enjoy Secrets of Monkey Island and liked what I saw of Day of the Tentacle when I helped LP the game for the RTK Channel. I knew he existed but I wouldn’t say I was a fan of his work.
Recently, I deleted Secrets of Monkey Island off my Xbox 360. Normally, I reserve that pleasure for bad games or things I didn’t enjoy. Yet this one occasion it came down to “Oh you’re going to insult me? Then let me return the favour!” Because I could scream my head off and the like, but it’s always best to hurt these people in the one place they truly care about.
So Tim was at the GDC awards which is the first thing I’ve ever heard about this event meaning it sounds completely forgettable before this happened. To be fair, when he began his little speech I will confess to cracking the odd smile here and there. Then the sock puppet came out and I found myself going…www.youtube.com/watch?v=H47ow4…
Hell I think he made the entire company of Capcom look like a box of fluffy kittens.
(May contain hyperbole)
What it all boiled down to was a passive aggressive remark against the online movement #Notyoursheild. A movement within GamerGate that was started by the misguided actions of the industry, to the point it’s the punch line to an awful joke by a puppet… Because we cannot hold the large manchild holding the puppet responsible for anything the puppet says.
The part I find most deliciously ironic about this whole drama is that while Tim’s got his hand up Mr.Socko, Anita Sarkiseen has her hand up his backside, while Johnathan McIntosh has his hand up hers… I made that joke before AlphaOmegaSin made his video; then again I think it’s an image we all thought of to be honest.
So what happened?
The internet (like it always will) blew up.www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jal0rk…www.youtube.com/watch?v=8D2YpJ…
I’ve seen people cancel Grim Fandango pre orders and avoid Psychonauts 2. That’s gotta suck when people don’t want your games anymore Tim. I deleted SOMI as I previously mentioned because it saddens me when people in gaming who are respected resort to this bullshit. I mean first Egoraptor and now this? Does Anita Sarkiseen unleash a voodoo curse on everyone she meets and turns them into drooling mindless puppets? I have expressed being bemused by GamerGate because I kind of want it to go back to the way it was.
We just played games and left all this BS politics and imaginary problems where they belonged. In the trash! And whenever Jack Thompson impersonators walked in, we’d tell em to piss off and life goes on. Nope, Anita’s here to stay crying wolf I’m afraid!
If there is a silver lining to this whole fiasco is that people are starting to wake up to what’s going on. The Escapist has shown full support of GamerGate, Brianna Wuu is now looked at in a negative connotations, Anita’s appeal seems to be sinking every day, the accusations brought forward have all been shot down with actual facts and statistics, MovieBob got fired and the whole accusation of “gamerz are mysoginist guyz!” hasn’t slowed down production of games in the slightest.
Since Puppets don’t move on their own, you’re taking the blame for this mess you made!
Stop Gear over a steak!
Jeremy Clarkson, please go the fuck away and stay there! I like to think I am the only Pleb on this planet that is absolutely sick of your continued existence. For the record my rant will connect to the recent dismissal of this aging trouser stain, who cannot achieve sexual release without hearing the words rear suspension, but I'd like to start by telling Clarkson... I just don't fucking like you!
For whatever baffling reason Top Gear is considered a good tv programme, further proving this country is enhabited by brain dead morons. I will never understand the appeal of watching 3 middle aged men masterbating over a german car as high calibur television. Oh but I hear the loyal audience tell me they do "wacky antics" involving cars. I assume you reffer to "Jackass for middle aged men.... but with cars" which is about as entertaining as watching the dvd commentary of the documentary about the live action adaptation of watching paint dry!
Now this isn't the first time this witless hack has found himself in trouble. Everything from racism, bigotry to punching Piers Morgan... Okay I'll give him that last one since we've all wanted to do that! Now he's found himself fired and his show cancelled for punching a producer in the face, and I hope you're all ready for the reason for lamping a producer....
.... He didn't have a cooked steak in his hotel room.
What a colossal wanker!
While I feel he should be fired I do agree that it's a bit of an over reaction to pull a show for that reason. Considering what this chain smoking asshat has done in the past does paint a weird picture of BBC's business practices.
"Racism and bigotry? Oh that's A-OK... Wait, he hit someone? FIRE HIM IMMEDEATLY!"
But you could argue this has been brewing away for a long time now and it just reached a boiling point. Violence in the work place should not be tollerated (unless its against Kayne West) but at the end of the day he still hit someone. I don't agree with pulling a show that has already been filmed and was scheduled to air its final episodes.
While I know the petrol heads who love this show will disagree, I cannot say I'll miss Jeremy Clarkson in the slightest.
Good riddance to bad rubbish!
Ghostbusters Cinematic Universe?
Say you know somebody at work. You catch him snorting cocain, he tries to make excuses as you tell him stop. You do your darndest but he just won't listen. The problem persists for weeks until the boss finds out. Rather than firing him, he sends the guy to rehab to get cleaned up. He comes back, all drug free and promises you it won't happen again.
Then 3 weeks later you catch him snorting cocain again with the same excuse as before. Or perhaps to put it another way.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"
Or to put it yet another way.
John Hammond: I'm not making the same mistakes again!
Ian Malcom: No you're making, all new ones!
I feel like we've been here before folks, have we been here before? Sony saw Marvel's Avengers and said "I want that, but without any of the effort" which lead to the doomed voyage of the Spider-Man Cinematic Universe. While North Korea played a hand in that, it was Sony's own iceberg that sank that little asperation of theirs. Yet here we are again with Sony planning a similair doomed voyage with the Ghostbusters franchise.
While firing many splentic views at the all female Ghostbusters movie, I feel Sony are attempting to make the situation worse with this announcement. You could argue that Sony is trying to appease everyone by adding an all male cast, to which I feel that's incorrect. That's implying Sony actually give a shit about their audience, but perhaps having a mixed cast would infact truly appease everyone. I can see having female versions of say Egon and Ray mixed in with Peter and Winston, However I feel the real reason behind this announcement goes back to The Avengers. Sony is still chasing that box office number Marvel managed to pull off. A mistake I've noticed is slowlely becoming a trend with greedy executives. Just to offer another eastern example, Capcom tried chasing the Call of Duty dragon and ultimately failed with Resident Evil 6!
You want this to end in a similair vain Sony?
A second time might I add?
While it's early days and I'm awaiting on the trailer of this reboot to put the final nail in the coffin, I still feel this is the wrong decision for all the obvious reasons and that Sony learn next to nothing from their misguided plans of the past.
Mind you, it would be bloody hilarious if this leads to the Ghostbusters appearing in Captain America: Civil War!
R.I.P. Terry Pratchett
While I'm not familair with the man or his work, I asked some friends who were fans of his to say a few words.
"From the Hogfather to Death, from Guards! Guards! to an Orangutan Librarian. There was never an end to the wonders of the Discworld, whose lights are dimmer without Mr. Pratchett's guiding light. We'll all miss you, ye brilliant bastard, and you'll be playing that great old pool table in the sky with Mr. Death, The Hogfather and many other great men. Here's to the Discfather, whose books enriched two generations of nerds, and whose characters taught Fantasy how to have a sense of humour."
"For a man who started his career as a Journalist, Sir Terry Prachett has left the literary, fantasy, and nerd worlds a timeless legacy. While Sir Terry has written many fantasy novels including NATION, THE BROMILAD TRIOLOGY and THE LONG SERIES in collaboration with Stephen Baxter, it's the 41 Discworld novels that he will forever be remebered for. This world and mirror of worlds that sits apon the shoulders of four giant elephants that themselves stand on the back of Great A'Tuin the star turtle, as flat and round as a starbound pizza became a parody and homage to literary greats such as JRR Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" and Robert E. Howard's "Conan the Barbarian" to name two, soon became a satirical look at our own world. From the cult status of the film industry, the stupidity of war, the worship of football, the pointlessness of racism, the double standards of slavery, the post office, banking, the rise of steam locomotion...you name it and you will find it somewhere in these great books. ir Terry has many real world legacies too, including the large body of charity work for the protection of orang-utans, and rasing awarness for Alzheimer's disease and posterior cortical atrophy (which ultimatley lead to his untimely death) which he once refered to in a radio interview as a "embuggerance". His final novel is set to be published posthumosly in Septemeber 2015."
20 Nights, 3 Establishments, 13 Animatronics and a Purple Guy later.
What started as a harsh critique, has exploded into one of the biggest gaming IPs in late 2014 and early 2015. It really says something when one man working on an indie title for about 4 months can produce a bigger payoff and leave people amazed, than say a game like Assassin’s Creed Unity that had 15 different studios working on it in roughly the same amount of time.
Whatever your opinion of Five Nights at Freddy’s maybe (positive or negative) you have to respect how Scott Cawthon managed to pull this all off from nothing. With the third title strongly suggesting the end of the series I do wonder what the man is going to do next? Considering he recently dropped $250K into children’s research, I think he’ll be fine in that regard.
I did see the series compared a lot to the Mega CD title “Night Trap” to which I strongly disagree. In that the only thing they have in common was the use of security cameras. Beyond that the monsters in Night Trap weren’t out to get you all nice and cosy in your FBI fan…. And didn’t inspire a lot of bizarre rule 34.
People are at a lost to understand or explain why exactly Five Nights at Freddy’s is so popular. I think the reason boils down to 3 areas.
In an industry that’s suffocating beneath games about space marines, zombies, Navy Seals or an overall mixture of the three. It’s weird to see a game about Pizzeria animatronics out to get you. Plus when Foxy or Chica manage to get you in the office, there is no quick time event, no bullet time or a shotgun blast to the face. You die and the game ends. Which makes me wonder what a AAA version of Five Nights at Freddy’s would look like?
Probably an FPS where you play as Mike Johnson, gunning down terrorists with animal names via linear corridors of a Middle Eastern pizzeria and have 100 set pieces/quick time events.
So the setting is intriguing. Taking a somewhat innocent children’s environment and putting a dark spin on it. The concept is about power management (the first game that is) and being smarter than the animatronics, as you check cams and try to fend off their assault with the limited tools provided. Which leaves us with story telling.
I have seen this element criticized on occasion but I do consider it quite clever. Not exactly Stanley Kubrick clever but getting there. I feel a big problem with AAA titles these days is they leave no imagination or allow the player to fill in the blanks with their own ideas or input. Say a game like Metal Gear Rising Revengeance that beats you over the head with cutscenes explaining everything. Indie titles leave holes in the narrative to allow you to take a stab at things. I mean to quote MatPat for a sec “When you create a game that has people rage debating about whether it’s a SEQUEL or a PREQUEL you’ve definitely done something right!”
Five Nights at Freddy’s chief story is not about the animatronics surprisingly, in fact they’re not even the main antagonist. The real focus is on the missing children and the mysterious purple man. Who is he? That’s up for you to decide with the few details the game has sprinkled about the shop. Is he the day shift guy that got fired? Is he the Phone Guy? Is he somebody completely unknown to us yet or just some random child killer?
Whose to say at this point, but the great thing about the game is it leaves you with just the right kind of holes to fill your own suggestions with. Rather than telling you EXACTLY what you should be thinking about the story.
Here’s a few of my own ideas.
1: What if Foxy came from a different establishment entirely? Considering his design is unique compared to the similar builds of Freddy, Bonnie and Chica? The same could be said for Balloon Boy and the Puppet.
2: What if Purple Guy is completely inspired by Nathan Dunlap? The killer involved in a Chuck-E-Cheese incident in the 90’s?
3: What if Golden Freddy is really Fredbear, from Fredbear’s Family Diner? Expanding on that, what if Purple Guy was the owner of Fredbear’s Family Diner? Who’s seeking revenge on Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza for buying out his business in a corporate take over?
4: If Fazbear’s Entertainment are aware of the killings in the restaurant, why have they done nothing about them?
5: What if the five children were school friends and banded together in the afterlife to take down Purple Guy?
6: What if Purple Guy is related to Phone Guy? As in a brother, nephew or son?
7: What if Springtrap started the fire in FNAF3 as a means to end his pain?
Whose to say at this point, fact is the series did its job well for we're all talking about it. With the possible rumours of FNAF4, I really hope this is where the story ends for anymore would kind of ruin the perfect ending 3 had.
My respect to you Scott, you took a harsh critique and turned it into a series we'll never forget!
And due to March firing everything at me, anything I didn't mention is covered in another poem.
Spring has finally reared its long overdue head.
To hopefully free us from the freezing cold and miserable dread.
Mind you, the horrible weather makes that last line a tad misread.
Looking back on days that we've recently tread
I have a few rhymes on the subject that needs to be said.
Poor old Jihad John.
That goofy little terrorist pawn.
Fearing that his days are infact numbered
Figuring out he'll soon be six feet under
At the hands of Navy Seals, whom his booty they wish to plunder.
But that of course is our fault, according to Russell Brand
A man I find to be a bit of a swollen mammary gland.
For those not up on their literacy wit
I'm basically saying he's nothing more than a giant tit.
Russell Brand, a man who resembles a homeless mans armpit.
Whose inflated diatribes are nothing but the purist of bullshit.
He fancies himself as a social commentary pundit.
But alas, to be one of those you have to have some form of wit
And not being the biggest wrench in the tool kit.
Still screaming in hopes David Cameron Senpai will notice him.
But poor old David's found himself in a situation most grim.
Cus another election cometh and his chances appear slim
so raise your voices for this fansical hymn
As we watch these arseholes tare each other limb from limb!
But enough of politics and Russell Brand
Let’s talk about Tim Schafer, sock puppet in hand.
Who used an award show to spew feminist crap
The future of his career, I'd say "That's a wrap"
Because I must say it was unwise to release one of your games.
Around the same time you called your audience names.
Since you're a moron, I'll call you "Tim nice but dim"
Who should have been more like the guy who made Earthworm Jim!
Tumblr, forever the sinkhole of PC and the mediocre
Who strikes down fun with empty words and a red hot poker
Got all pissy about a cover of Batgirl and the Joker.
Who was just standing there with her.
Firing off their usual claims about blatant misogyny
To which I feel they should get some therapy
Because they're not feminists, no they're a parody
Of that long dead movement, thank God they're the minority.
There was sadness in the air
For we said goodbye to Freddy Fazbear
No longer will we have catchy songs or another animatronic jump scare
I must admit, the games creator is a man whose kind is most rare
Five Nights at Freddy's 4? Scott, don't you dare!
March was also a time to cheer.
For it finally saw the end of Top Gear
Can someone pull Clarkson's head out of his rear
For shutting him up for good, I'd love to volunteer!
So this asshole punched a producer over a steak
And the fact people defended him caused my head to shake.
Can we seriously put Clarkson in a car without a hand break
And aim it directly at a bottomless lake?
An X-Factor judge got the hatchet
We mourned the passing of Terry Pratchett.
And WWE continues on its downward ratchet.
Speaking of which, that crossover with The Flintstones?
Who seriously thought that was a good idea, you dim-witted drones?
Holidays, from your mothers to St.Patricks.
Short term distractions from all the worlds’ conflicts.
I swear they're throwing these made up holidays into the mix
We don't need a Pi or Cleavage day, you insufferable pricks!
Sony, Sony, Sony. Where do I even start with you?
I think it's safe to say you morons haven't actually got a clue.
You cancelled the Popeye Movie, onto projects you'd rather peruse
Like another Ghostbusters movie, in hopes to undo
All your bad press but it's too late, let me review
By summing this all up in two childish words "FUCK YOU!"
4 Judges were caught watching online sex
Nintendo teases the NX
The UK saw the death of return tax.
And their clocks went forward, losing an hour to relax.
The Germanwings Flight 9525 Tragedy.
Cassetteboy offered up another politicial parody.
Tom Cook's gay bashing borderlines on megalomania
Sting lost to HHH at Wrestlemania.
Order: 1886 was a pile of shit
While Kojima looks for the nearest exist.
Internet Explorer was shown the door
While Russia dicked about on the Falklands shore.
But cheer up, we're a month away from Ultron hitting the big screen.
Oh and bad news, that new Zelda's been pushed to 2016!
And that, should just about cover things.
Leaving me to wonder what tomorrow brings.
March's time is up, and is escorted back to his cage
Meaning it's time for April to take centre stage!