Developed and Published by: Nintendo.
Genre: Third Person Shooter/Platformer.
Rated: U (Provided you avoid all the Splatoon Hentai)
You’ll notice I tend to be very forgiving of new IP’s. When I say new, I don’t mean “Dark Souls with a new coat of paint” or “I want to be Batman Arkham City!” but rather games who offer something new, while honouring ideas that came before it…. Instead of just being a previous game.
It’s why you’ll see me praise the likes of Left 4 Dead, Minecraft, Five Nights at Freddy’s and Undertale, while condemning Call of Duty, Destiny and Assassin’s Creed to the deepest depths of Hell.
So where does Splatoon fit into that equation?
When I first heard of the game during an E3 event, I found myself saying “Yeah k, whatever!” and thought nothing of it. Mainly because it barely got any screen time and wasn’t really the main focus of Nintendo’s showcase that year. I felt it would be nothing more than one of those launch titles a company puts out while you wait for a real exclusive to arrive.
Couple years go by, and this game won Best Multiplayer at the Game Awards 2015. Beating out the likes of Halo, Call of Duty and Destiny.
……I began to sit up and take notice.
While I wanted Smash Bros to be my second Wii U title, it was sadly sold out at my local GAME store, so I noticed Splatoon sitting in the pile. I wanted that to be my third game…. I figured “ah what the hell!”
I tend to give Nintendo stick over the years for two simple reasons.
1: They’re just as fallible as any other company since I’m no longer playing favourites with anybody.
2: I want them to stop relying on Mario, Pokemon, Zelda etc and take a risk now and then.
A risk well taken, as Splatoon is probably one of the best ideas they’ve had in ages…. And by ages I mean the late 90’s.
It is interesting to see Nintendo’s take on “what the cool kids are playing these days” with their own online focused third person shooter. Thankfully there idea of a third person shooter is not “A right wing gun wank fantasy about killing Russians or Muslims, being played by 12 years spouting more racism than a single 4Chan post!”
But rather “Kawaii little squid people shooting paint at each other in a Weeaboo Turf War Fantasy…. And inspiring a predictable pile of porn!”
Oh Nintendo, never change you mad bastards!
Set in some bizarre future scenario, where Squids have become the dominant species on the planet (everyone knows it will be Kratos Honey Badgers) where they all dress like Jet Set Radio rejects, make unfunny Ink puns and engage in the aforementioned paint turf wars.
That’s about it for the plot. Yes there is a single player campaign, but you could watch a Jada Stevens video in the time it takes to complete it so what’s the fucking point? Mind you, you could argue that’s what happens when you make a online shooter.
In fact I have the design document right here.
1: PUT ALL EFFORT INTO ONLINE PLAY.
2: MAKE THE SINGLE PLAYER MODE ABOUT AS LONG AS A JADA STEVENS TAKING IT UP THE ARSE VIDEO (20-30 minutes)
3: PATCH SHIT IN LATER.
Don’t let my snarky commentary deceive you. Splatoon is fun. The online parts being the reason to play this, I just feel the single player campaign is a little short and shallow. Very bare bones and lacking a major degree of substance. Mind you everyone’s been saying that so I don’t feel so bad.
Now online is where the real game is at. If you’re an FPS veteran you probably know how this all works. Hell, if you’ve played an FPS online in the last 10 years, I won’t insult your intelligence on how the features work. Where Splatoon differs is it occasionally throws in a mode called SPLATFEST. Every now and then the community get to take part in an amusing little contest based on two options. I thankfully bought my copy just in time to take part in the latest event.
The game will give you two things, you have to pick one then fight in that things name. I feel like Nintendo are deliberately making fun of fanboys with this mode. The choices on offer were do you like Barbarians or do you like Ninjas. I chose Ninjas because I seem to have more experience with them than the former.
Joined a lobby and got hooked. Well before trying that out I had my pals HeavyBassX,
and VodkaHaze walk me through the game in a private lobby. After some paint based shenanigans (I refuse to make an ink pun) I decided to step into an online lobby and take part in the SPLATFEST. What I liked was how the game didn’t punish first time players, for I found myself (as a Level 1) able to take out Level 25 players with little to no frustration.
My preferred strategy was to hide as a squid behind walls, before popping up in a “surprise cockfags!” kinda approach.
I quickly rose up in rank and was able to buy new gear and weaponry. I haven’t really been playing it recently due to my comics needed updating and I picked up Resurrection F around the same time, I’ve been meaning to review that as well so stay tuned.
I know this review is pretty short, but honestly I’m not sure what else to say beyond straight up nitpicking. Splatoon is a interesting take on the shooter genre and I’m curios to see where Nintendo goes with this formula… Before predictably adding the Squids in the next Smash Bros game then throwing them next to F-Zero, Wario Ware and Earthbound in a box marked "Shit we no longer care about!"
I guess I’ll close with the only thing I dislike about the game.
Callie & Marie.
I have been warned “not to talk shit about my waifu’s” by various people, but these two are competing against Slippy Toad and Lady Palutena for the “Most Annoying Nintendo Character Ever” title (according to me) Every time you boot up the game, they appear to make cringe worthy commentary and closing with saying “Stay Fresh!” (A "how do you do fellow kids" moment) while telling you about the various maps on offer at the moment. I get the function behind it but I’d like the feature more if it wasn’t the first time you get when you turn the game on. It would have been better if it was the first thing you see WHEN you enter the lobby room but now I’m just nitpicking.
If you have a Wii U, or are looking to get one.
Make sure you get Splatoon. Because if anything can beat COD at “Best Multiplayer”
You’re INKclined to check it out….. Godammit!!!! I made one of those stupid puns.